Hey Kat,
I’m not sure why, but my girlfriend is particularly interested in having sex while she’s on her period. I do it to make her happy, but it really actually freaks me out. My dick gets all bloody, and even though a towel is down, it’s a mess. Is there anything I can do to make this not as scary? Maybe it’s just the fact that I’m a dude that hasn’t had a period ever, but truly it makes me want to shudder.
–Red Run
Red Run!
First off, I am a committed believer in completely consensual sex. The fact is, your girlfriend is asking you to do something that you really don’t want to do, and you shouldn’t be expected to do something that makes you anxious. Especially when it comes to sex, a time where trust and connection is very important, you need to do whatever it takes to make yourself feel safe and free.
There are many reasons why she may want to have sex while on her period. Some folks get turned on by the red river, maybe she’s just into it. It may also be helping her with menstrual cramps. I have one girlfriend that makes sure to ejaculate (from penetrative sex) at the beginning of her period, because it releves the pain from her period. Makes sense, muscle contractions from sex may be increasing blood flow and oxygen to her body. Increased oxygen could possibly be subsiding the cramping.
Now, everyone is different, so I’m not sure the reason why she’s “particularly interested” during her period. I think a conversation is in order. Let her know that sex during that time makes you uncomfortable – it’s totally cool to own up to that. Obviously you’re into her because you’ve been fucking whenever she’s been interested in the past, asure her that its just the blood that freaks you out.
Think of things you guys can do instead of red penetration. Maybe you could have mutual jerk-off sessions? Watching each other masturbate can be really hot and informational. You’ll get a chance to see how your partner likes to get off. Memorize and use that later! Instead of vaginal sex, try some anal sex. It may take a little extra time and preparation, but it’s a great alternative. Just remember to go slow and use lots of lube! If she really feels like she needs to have someone vaginally penetrate her, maybe a compromise with a dildo of her choosing? You could fuck her with that while keeping your dick clean and still be engaged in the sex!
First get to chatting. Let her know how you feel and that you’ve been thinking of fun ways to get busy that won’t make you light-headed and dizzy!
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Kat, help!
I just started dating this guy – he’s awesome! He’s really sweet, we have wonderful, smart conversations and he makes me laugh. I’m adoring everything about him, but the sex is awful. It’s so odd. He’s 28 years old, and really I figured he’d have some experience. So far, it’s been a fumbling, formal-feeling, uncomfortable experience. I’m learning that the main problem is that he is so awkward about anything sex related that I can’t even communicate with him about what I like. I’ll bring up something light-hearted-sexy, his eyes will widen and search for anything in the room to focus on besides my words. It’s getting so frustrating; he’s confident in every other facet of his life, it’s actually surprising how awkward he gets.
–Banging Awkward
Hey Banging,
Everyone is at their own level. 
It’s tough developing a healthy sexual relationship with ourselves in the sex-negative culture that we live in – seriously. Cheers to you for wanting to communicate about sex with your new guy!
Since he cant’ seem to focus on you when sex is brought up, offer something else to look at with different types of communicating. You could send him affirming text messages when you’re not together like, “Thinking about you. I really liked it when you gave me slow strokes with that hand-job last night – that felt amazing.” Try to make them specific so he can get opportunities to memorize the activities you respond to. Perhaps eventually these comments could make their way into the bedroom! When it comes to alternative forms of communication like texting or email, do remember that there’s potential for it to be forwarded to others (or if you have my crappy phone, accidentally SENT to someone else – yea). Make sure you are certain it wont get spread around town (unless you don’t care).
When there are times during sex that you enjoy, make sure to vocalize it. Be an example for him! Sometimes we just need permission to be chatty in the sack. If something is feeling good, let him know, “Oh, I like it when you do that.” Don’t feel like you need to change up the way you talk, that could create intimidating pressure for your partner, just say what you feel. There’s actually this HOT video Smitten Kitten did with Dylan Ryan and Danny Wylde called “Extra Credit” with wonderful and super sexy examples of clear communication. I love how Dylan Ryan offers up oral sex directions to her explosive orgasms – its inspiring!
You also could find a fun general sex guide and read it together. Take the lead, let him know you wanted to learn more about sex. You could even be flirty about it and ask if you could leave it at his place. Maybe by saying, “Well, I’m fucking you, so do you mind if I leave this here? That way I can access it when I come by.” Chances are he might read it and learn some new tricks – it’s worked for me!
Be patient, especially if you are really digging the person outside of getting in their drawers. Talking about sex can be scary, but really you’ve only got one direction to move in this situation (besides being horizontal). To me it sounds like you both have opportunities to learn about somebody new and yourselves as well. Here’s to the research!
To submit questions, email us at info@smittenkittenonline.com, subject line “advice”.
Just a note to Red Run…
You ask “Is there anything I can do to make this not as scary?”
I personally am a fan of sex during my period because of the all the reasons that you dislike it; however I am very aware that it is one of those things that society and life in general has almost conspired to make guys dislike… so I’m always very hesitant about it, not wanting it with anyone who really doesn’t want to do it.
I have no idea if this will help you, but a friend of mine who really loves having sex with his girlfriend at that time of the month explained to me why he loves it, and maybe his point of view could help change the way you feel about it…
He says it’s an extension of his love for women, that seeing the blood and feeling it (and even tasting it) is a chance for him to really revel in her femaleness. Plus it’s primal and rich and dark and gives him a true experience of being human and feeling something very very real. The mess is a sign of passion, almost a celebration of being with a woman. He said there was really no better, nor more honest example of femaleness.
That might just squick you more, but in case it’s helpful, I thought I’d share.
Just a memory here. The second time my gf and I had sex, she started her period and bled all over the sheets. Nice white sheets. I tried not to freak out, cause I had read this in The Joy of Sex, and realized what it was, and that she was OK. But she was totally embarrassed. She insisted on stripping the bed, carrying the sheets home with her and washing them immediately. So we did. Now she’s my wife.
wonderful post.Never knew this, regards for letting me know.
My partner and I just use a menstrual cup. It can be left in, he doesn’t notice, and there is no “mess”. There are a couple of options, but I prefer a Diva Cup. http://www.divacup.com/
I dont see a problem havng sex during her period. Personally I really like it.
You could try using the instead cup during period sexto contain some of the blood.
Smitten Kitten: I’m so disappointed by your answer to Red Run!
Red Run gives no indication he feels unsafe or pressured by his girlfriend’s desires. We should applaud Red Run’s girlfriend for clearly expressing her sexual wants and desires without implying she is manipulative, demanding or actively creating a hostile environment. Also, Red Run deserves credit for 1) making sincere efforts to please his partner and 2) finding ways to do so that are sexually satisfying for both parties.
Red Run is simply asking for advice regarding messy period sex. There is a simple solution: The menstrual cup! (The Smitten Kitten should know about this!)
The menstrual cup is inserted in the vagina and can be worn for up to 12 hours during any activity. It is safe, inexpensive, environmentally friendly and latex-free. Once in place, the menstrual cup cannot be felt by the user or the user’s partner. In any angle or position, the menstrual cup provides the opportunity for comfortable mess-free period sex. Problem solved!
Menstrual cups are available at major drugstores like Walgreens, Walmart and CVS. Menstrual cups do not protect against STDs and may not be recommended for women using IUDs. Hope this helps, and have fun!
Here is more information regarding my earlier post:
http://www.softcup.com/
…I don’t know…I use a menstrual cup by The Keeper (moon cup) and it has a sturdy little silicone tail on the end for removal that I can’t imagine my boyfriend not noticing or even being a little injured by. It also sits pretty low (for me anyway) so it would be in the way… I wouldn’t have penetrative sex with it in. Any other sexual activity I’d do, though. It’s discreet and clean.
Indeed, the Softcup is a great suggestion for this, but it should definitely be noted that the standard menstrual cup (as rc notes in their response) cannot be used for penetrative sex in this manner.
I stand corrected, and thank you for the clarification, Queenie! The Softcup can be worn during sex, but not all menstrual cups can be worn during sex. Softcup indicates its product cannot be felt by most couples. My bf and I can feel it (the ridge), but it’s a good temporary solution during menstruation.
Re: Red Run, two words: Sea Pearls!!!! The environmentally friendly alternative to tampons. They work AMAZINGLY well, WAY better than normal tampons, and feel a lot like normal human tissue. No mess!!!
I wasn’t sure how to start a new question so I chose the most apipporrate to add a comment to.When I came off the pill three years ago my period didn’t return. I was put on the pill again for the oestrogen and to kick start them after 22 months of no period. At the same time I was upping my sports and losing weight. A few months ago I was diagnosed with anorexia and although my eating is more frequent and I am getting over those barriers, I doubt that I will experience a real period if i come off the pill. So really it’s over 3 years since i had a true period i guess. My current BMI is 17.8 and when I had a dexa scan 5 months ago (before my diagnosis) I was apparently 8% body fat.I really really love running and ive reacently joined a club and now exercise is so much more fun when you take away the illness i am/was suffering from. I want to compete. i want to improve. i love the freedom of running and the friends i have made. I am still on a weight gain regime. I love running but am also really aware of the risks. Is there a way i can continue to train and gain weight? Or should i begrudgingly stop altogether?This has been going round and round in my head so any help/suggestions would be brilliant!