Make no mistake, geeks are having amazing sex.
Want to know why? Because, contrary to common misconception, we don’t just get off on news of the DC comics reboot or leaked photos from the set of Christopher Nolan’s latest movie (although both those things do get my heart rate going a little). Geeks are people with extra capacity for imagination, intelligence, devotion and enthusiasm. And the number one thing that excites us is other people who can match our enthusiasm. If that sounds like a recipe for extremely fun naked times, then you might be ready for some geeky sex.
That’s not to say that stereotypically geeky stuff doesn’t excite us. Maybe you’re a sexy geek, or maybe you’re just a nerd about sex toys. Or maybe, like me, you’re both. But at some point you’ve probably wondered… “Hey, is there a high quality sex toy that ties into the movie/show/book/pop culture thing I love so much?” The answer, my fellow geek, is a resounding yes. In the wide world of sex toys, there are already a few items purportedly designed with geeks in mind. But with some creativity and basic sex toy knowledge, it’s pretty easy to accessorize and sexualize just about any fannish obsession. The real question is, what excites you?
VAMPIRES
The Vamp silicone dildo from Tantus might be one of the best known pop culture-related sex toys out there. Designed with Twilight fans in mind, it’s got a very subtle sparkly finish and retains extreme temperatures, so you can put it in the fridge before use for an authentically chilly, vampiric experience. But since finding The Vamp in stores can be a challenge, it’s worth noting that all medical grade silicone dildos can hold a cold temperature for a limited time. And while the sparkly thing is pretty cool, let’s be real. Dildos tend to spend less time glistening in rays of sunshine, and more time inside vaginas and butts. So if you’re a twihard looking for some Cullen-esque action, feel free to branch out. Tantus makes several types of realistic, dual density dildos in a gorgeous ivory tone, including angled ones like Adam which can make strap-on sex a lot more comfortable for some people. If you’re more of a True Blood fan, you may want to check out Tru: A XXX Parody. While it’s hard to think of a show on cable less in need of a pornographic adaptation, porn parodies can be both hilarious and hot depending on the cast, director and writer.
ZOMBIES
Are zombies sexy? The horrifyingly talented silicone artists at Necronomicox seem to think so. Their shockingly detailed zombie dildo is a pretty serious eyeful, and not for the faint of heart. If you’d like to play naughty with the undead while keeping things a little less decompose-y, you and a partner can try using some under-the-bed restraints and a bit gag (you want to see those gnashing teeth, right?) to construct a “Zombie Hunter and Prey” scenario. Of course, you and your partner should negotiate ahead of time if you’re going with Romero, voodoo, or Danny Boyle-style zombies. Also, “brains” is absolutely not a viable safe word.
STEAMPUNK
The website for Lady Clankington’s Little Death Ray reads like a page out of The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen in the best possible way. Even if steampunk isn’t your thing, the level of detail, commitment and humor put into this sexy little project makes it worth checking out. The toys themselves appear to be body-safe, functional and and well designed. Simple yet ornate, the only thing that could make this vibe a more convincing Victorian/sci-fi mash up is if it were made from brass. And maybe emitting little puffs of steam.
HP LOVECRAFT
Remember those nice, talented Necronomicox people who make the absolutely ghoulish zombie dildo? Well, they appear to be fans of H.P Lovecraft as well. Their Cthulhu dildo is incredibly detailed and appears to have fantastic texture along the shaft. As silicone artistry goes, the three-color version of this toy is very impressive. For some tentacular times without the elder god mythos, the squid dildo by Minneapolis company Free Range Silicone is a slightly less intimidating option.
ANYTHING — LITERALLY ANYTHING — THAT HAS AN AUDIO COMPONENT
Music nerds, rejoice. The sex toy designers at OhMiBod have graced the world with a line of vibrators that respond to digital and environmental audio input. You can bliss out at home listening to your favorite iTunes playlist, or wear their Club Vibe out and bring live concerts directly to your clit. But while the company markets their toys for music lovers, any type of sound at all will make them work beautifully. For example, the sex toy industry has yet to provide the world with a vibrator based on Doctor Who’s sonic screwdriver. I continue to resent this fact, (come on people, it’s obvious) but I’ve discovered that with an OhMiBod toy, twenty minutes of Matt Smith reading a Doctor Who audio book translates into the most complicated, nuanced and incredibly hot vibrator pulse pattern… ever. So if your fandom isn’t represented on this list, fret not. Roll up your sleeves, put your geeky energy and enthusiasm to work, and innovate something sexy for yourself.
Rebecca has worked as a sex educator for several years, and has been a self-avowed geek scholar for over a decade. Before that, she was simply a young Midwestern girl who spent her days wishing that Blue Beetle and Booster Gold would make out.