Vanilla Girl in a Non-Vanilla World by Coochie

I am a vanilla prude. There, I said it.

Whatʼs that you say? I canʼt possibly be a vanilla prude with a moniker like “Coochie”, a
volunteer position on a board that runs a monthly educational workshop for the
Minnesota BDSM community, and a small group of friends in various types of
relationships with whom I share orgasms on a somewhat regular basis? Why sure I can.

The very definition of the adjective form of vanilla is, from the Oxford American
Dictionary, “having no special or extra features; ordinary”. This is often how I see myself
- just another person, trying to be someone who puts some good out into the world
while living a happy life and being true to my friends. I am under no illusion that I might
do something as influential and great as Steve Jobs, Mother Teresa, or Abraham
Lincoln. I am okay with that fact. I donʼt see anything extraordinary about myself or the
things I choose to do with my life. I assure you this is not a self-deprecating moment in
which I am hoping to prompt lots of comments singing my praises. I am merely
explaining why I feel that a lot about the “vanilla” label applies to me.

Many alternative lifestyle communities use the term “vanilla” to differentiate themselves
from the people who do not engage in the activities that particular community thoroughly
enjoys. As in, “Kent? Oh, heʼs vanilla, he does not enjoy swapping sex partners/being
restrained during sex/role playing.” Itʼs a term that can help a conversation move along,
or quickly identify what type of person might be invited to a party. Vanilla folk are not
looked upon with disdain. One simply knows that itʼs a different type of gathering when
enjoying the company of their vanilla friends.

If I had to choose just one community within which to exist, I would primarily identify with
the BDSM community. I have met many wonderful people while attending various
munches (a casual meet-and-greet style gathering, typically held at a restaurant),
parties, and educational workshops. For the most part I have come to know and care
about a lot of people for reasons well beyond the original common denominator that
brought us together in the first place. The actual BDSM activities that we engage in at
play parties and in private, while a great way to create an intense and intimate bond
with someone if only for the duration of that scene, are secondary and perhaps even
tertiary for me.

First and foremost there must be enough chemistry with a potential play partner that we
could just as easily share a meal, nature walk, or road trip together. If that base of
friendship and care does not exist, itʼs likely that I will not be interested in playing with
that person. The play in which we engage serves to enhance the bond that we have
built outside of the dungeon or bedroom.

In a situation where I am seeing someone on a fairly regular basis – once or twice a week – the majority of that time spent together is seldom about kinky play, even if we are having sex. When it comes down to it, I most often orgasm from clitoral stimulation in conjunction with a biological cock, dildo, or fingers. I might thoroughly enjoy a spanking, flogging, or rope bondage, but I will not cum solely from those activities – and they are certainly not requirements for my orgasms. While I might miss some of the opportunities play parties allow, I think I would be extremely satisfied with a healthy PiV (penis-in-vagina, a term that Kidder Kaper coined on Sex is Fun!: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=piv) and sometimes penis-in-ass sex life. This is why I do not thoroughly identify with the kinky label and often feel very vanilla in contrast to many of my friends.

I also mentioned the label prude. As defined by the Oxford American Dictionary, a prude
is “a person who is or claims to be easily shocked by matters relating to sex or nudity”.
People will often use the term prude when referring to someone who will not kiss or
have sex on a first date, or is too shy to be naked in front of others. It is used to
insinuate that a person is withholding something that another wants and that he or she
is being self-restrained. The term prude comes from the notion that a person is
observing a groupʼs behavioral rules or standards with excessive adherence. Okay, so
perhaps that label doesnʼt fit me in a literal way. But some of the connotations behind
the word do.

The labels “slut”, “whore”, and “ho” are often heard in the BDSM community, and they are
almost always thrown around as a compliment or very light-hearted tease. From my
perspective, promiscuity in this community is nothing to be ashamed of, and many are
indeed proud of the fact that they have shared experiences with many different people,
sometimes in the course of a single event or party. I love the idea of people taking back
these terms and turning them into something positive, even empowering. I readily cheer
on my friends who seek out encounters with many different people. I love seeing my
friends connect with other people in ways they never could if they existed solely in the
vanilla world. There are times when I myself enjoy a hearty “you are such a slut!” and
beam at the recognition and approval that I just [insert super fun sexy dirty act here]
someone elseʼs partner. Although, that someone elseʼs partner is likely a close friend of
mine and he or she is probably a casually recurring play partner. There are but a small
handful of close friends with whom I am intimate, and the times that we play are few and
far between – hardly enough for me to personally embrace the word slut.

A lot of the people I know, including many of my closest friends, have negotiated various
forms of non-monogamy for their relationships. These relationships range from what I
think of as monogamous plus, where the couple may seek out other singles or couples
with whom to play for a single instance, to a full-fledged polyamorous relationship in
which each partner has multiple simultaneous relationships. There are, of course, many
variations in between. I see many, many benefits for my friends in the various rules they
have set up for their relationships. I am happy that my friends have been able to build
allowances into their relationships in order to have richer, deeper, and fuller connections
with someone outside of their primary partnership. I periodically question how I might
function in a similar situation. I truly appreciate the ability to have friendships that do not limit expression of our care for each other to handshakes and brief hugs. However, I most often prefer to deepen a romantic and sexual relationship with one person.

I want a primary partner with whom to share a household, family traditions, vacations,
pets, sad times, and happy times. I want to look forward to sharing tales from our days
over dinner, sleeping in together on the weekends, staying in on a Friday night if we
canʼt face the world and exploring our sexuality together. I want to have a partner with
whom to negotiate relationship rules and guidelines, and those rules and guidelines
might turn out to design a fairly monogamous relationship. In the same way that I do not
require kinky play to orgasm, I do not require multiple partners for a happy sex or love
life. All of these notions combined make me feel like a bit of a freak, and cause me to
wonder if I should even exist in the current corners of my world.

At times I feel out of place in the community I have chosen and been accepted into – a
community that celebrates consensual promiscuity and encourages vast exploration of
the mind and bodyʼs limits – and amongst my friends. Nobody fits into one box, and I am
no exception to that rule, but that means that I sometimes feel like an alien, or at the
very least that I canʼt relate to other peopleʼs preferences. Too vanilla for one group, too
non-vanilla for another. I am grateful that my definitions of some of the labels I use for
myself are fluid enough to encompass the various things I might be feeling. Right now, I
am a vanilla prude.

Coochie is the audio engineer for the Sex is Fun! Podcast. Tune in every week to hear
her discuss all things sex with co-hosts Gay Rick and Laura Rad.